In Which I Am Liquid Cool

Man, remember when Capri Sun had the world in its pocket? Remember when they threatened to overtake Coca Cola as the nation's leading manufactured beverage? I sure don't.

What I primarily remember is how damn difficult it was to get the straw into those Space Age containers. Capri Sun apparently eschewed any kind of "sensible" design for a futuristic juice box that was supposed to make us feel like we were astronauts. I sure wouldn't want those spear-sharpened yellow straws floating around in zero G's without copious eye protection, I'll tell you what.

Sharp though the straws were, I don't remember anybody being able to poke them through the designated hole at the tapered end, where they were supposed to go. It always slipped off completely or punctured the juice non-box in the middle so that all the liquid cool leaked out and got your hands all sticky. I think actually getting the straw through that hole is used as a test in one of those Karate Kid sequels. Most kids just turned the whole thing over and jabbed the straw through the bloated bottom. Easy, but it meant that you couldn't put your Capri Sun down until you were completely finished with it.

The above commercial, however, clears up the mystery: Capri Sun wasn't marketed toward mortal children. Only T-1000s with a taste for extreme sports were meant to experience the syrupy mediocrity.